Starting at the Beginning Again

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You lie down and think to yourself, “where did I go wrong?”

It might have been the time you chose a dead end job as your first instead of the one with a promising career, blinded by the thousands you can take home at a time. It might have been the time you chose to give up one of the two degrees you’re enrolled in to have more time with your ex-boyfriend. Or it might have been the time wherein the answer is neither and life just really fucked you up.

Sometimes it’s easier to find the fault within than to think about the fault of others affecting yours. It’s all circumstantial, you’d like to believe. You were where you were at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Because timing is everything. And when you lose track of it, you’re lost for hours, for days, or maybe even for months.

It’s a crazy feeling, trying to figure out what life is all about — when you’re in the limbo of understanding and not understanding life in general, life as it is. It’s funny when you get a hold of life’s meaning only for it to slip away the moment you recognize it. It’s not even a second long, their difference. Just a few milliseconds away from nothingness. And then you’re back to being lost.

“It’s all circumstantial” is my new motto. It’s nothing personal, but merely circumstantial. It’s like saying, “I’m sorry I hurt you, it’s just that you were right there when I needed to hurt somebody. It’s nothing personal, simply circumstantial.”

I’ve been foolish to believe I will get the answers about life in my age. I had to race with time to get to the meaning of life, only to find that time has moved its pace again, faster and wiser. I’ve been so foolish to believe flying off to a different island for a week will lead me to happiness. Only to find I’d be stuck in the same rut. I’ve been foolish to believe I can be who I want to be. Only to find out I can’t because “it’s nothing personal; it’s circumstantial.”

So maybe I’m supposed to be here to intensely learn that life is what you make out of it, and that you have no control of what shit you might step on the way. In a way, I still don’t know what life is about just as I do at the same time.

So here I am, starting at the beginning again.

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